Why conflict doesn’t have to be bad for a relationship

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There is a feeling that couples who don’t argue have a perfect relationship. I don’t buy into this. While conflict in a relationship is never an ice thing, I also don’t think conflict is always destructive for a relationship. Arguments don’t mean you have a bad relationship. Arguments suggest that you are human. Arguments are natural if you live with two people. Two people who are individuals and have different ways of seeing the world.

It is almost impossible to find two people who like the same things, wants to do the same things all the time, and deal with situations exactly the same. Being different is really helpful for a relationship. It is how you deal and cope with those differences that can make or break a relationship.

But! There is always a but! Conflict can destroy a relationship. If it is not resolved, it becomes toxic and will very quickly end the relationship. If you hold it inside of you, it can explode! So how do you avoid conflict destroying a relationship? Simply, you create a safe space to share your wants, needs, and feelings through effective communication. Effective communication is really the foundation of a healthy relationship. Without effective communication, you will feel trapped. Things will bottle up inside you, and you are likely to explode at some point.

In this article, we will identify 5 effective ways to communicate with your partner that will diffuse the conflict situation and bring you a lot closer together as a couple. Strategies that if you follow will ensure that you never bottle things up and actually be brave in what is important to you. You may find these strategies a little bit confrontational; however, ensuring that you are clear on what is important to you is the only way to be happy in a relationship. In addition, delivering the message in a polite, respectful, and non-aggressive manner is critical for moving forwards!

So onto the 5. These five strategies are taken from the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. (This is a good book for understanding how relationships actually work and how to recognise the smoking guns!!)

1. Wear your heart on your sleeve.

This is something I have really struggled with. The thought of being vulnerable. The thought of being rejected. The thought of not being seen or heard used to scare me. It brought up a lot of fears and guilt that I carried around. Not anymore.

Why should we hold back what is important to us? Why should we not communicate what we want and need in a relationship? Why should we not share what we appreciate and don’t appreciate about our partner?

So be open and let your partner know what you think and feel. Remember, they are not mind readers!

2. Focus on your needs

Spending time by yourself and truly asking yourself what you need in the relationship is critical to creating a healthy partnership. We are always (well, the good ones) thinking and trying to respect and fulfill our partner’s needs, but don’t forget to focus on your needs. Communicate your needs and work out a plan that makes sense for both of you.

Remember, you may need to still compromise a little, but if you don’t fulfill your needs, resentment will build up. For example, I love going hiking and camping. It is something I need. I would do it every weekend if I could, but I am not sure any partner would sign up for this! So maybe the compromise is once a month. If she doesn’t enjoy it, then perhaps you slowly bring her into the space, or instead of camping, you go glamping. There are always ways to fulfill both needs.

3. Be specific

Ambiguity can be the death of a relationship. No one knows precisely what you are thinking and feeling apart from you. So share it. Be specific about what it is you are feeling or thinking. If your partner did something that upset you be specific on what she did that upset you and why you were bothered.

You have no choice what she will do with what you tell her, but don’t leave her uncertain about how you think and feel. Most conflict situations arise when couples start arguing about truths. Avoid this by focusing on feelings.

The more specific you can be, the less ambiguity there is and the less chance for confusion and disappointment. Take your time to explain what you are saying and make sure that she understands precisely what you are feeling.

4. Don’t blame

We don’t know why someone else did something. Everyone has their reasons. We might disagree with their reasons, but they are theirs and not yours. So don’t blame. Effective communication aims not to create a win-lose situation but a win-win situation. Where both parties get to safely communicate what is important to them, the other person hears what the other person is saying, and there is agreement on how to move forward.

If this is the goal, then blaming each other is not a sensible tactic. It will only lead to one person feeling they have ‘lost’. Feeling like you are a loser doesn’t give you the incentive to move forward. Instead, you will go away and lick your wounds.

So stay away from blaming or judging. It is not healthy, not helpful, and it is a sure way to create fear in the relationship.

5. Be assertive and nonapologetic.

Let me be clear. If you screwed up, then apologise. What I mean by this is don’t apologise for sharing what is important to you. Don’t be weak around discussing what you want and need from the relationship. If you are weak, your partner can interpret this as not that important.

You have every right to be in a loving, happy and safe relationship, and you need to play a role in that. But you need to show up. Go away and be clear about what you want to say, and then share it assertively and unapologetically.

Don’t be aggressive or rude. Instead, deliver your message with the aim of sharing something important to you that you would like to discuss with your partner. Don’t forget to love and respect yourself!

Summary

Without communication, you don’t have a relationship. I have ended a relationship because there was never a safe space for me to share what I was feeling and also what I needed. I could cope with it for a while but then realised that enough was enough and I needed to look after myself.

Communication is an art and something that you can work on. It is something not to be fearful of but something to be embraced. By following these 5 strategies, you can take your relationship to a new level. Enjoy the journey.

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